Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Location:             A Room With Only My iPod And Earbuds

Minions, we need to talk.

There’s an outbreak of epic proportions and I am a sufferer.

This week I became a lover of CMM. For those of you not in the know, that’s Call Me Maybe. It’s like 90’s-style-Britney good. . .it’s cheesy and mindless and it could be categorized as cruel and unusual punishment. But I get so excited when it comes on that I want to listen to it on repeat, all.day.long.

OH WAIT, it gets better.  Some guys from the Harvard Baseball team went on a spring break trip, one fell asleep, and they made this video/car dance. It’s simple, and there’s limited choreography, but there’s color coordination. . .it’s amazeballs!

So great, in fact, that the President of the world (okay US but basically same thing) was taped singing it. And by taped, I mean a really informed person someone really enjoyed listening to every single one of his speeches. Only to be followed by Jay Leno sharing the President and that other guy doing a car dance to it.

But you don’t hit the big time until you have a dog parody made by the famous Corgi Rae Jepsen.

Everything about this song makes me glad I’m not human. Be proud of your accomplishments, minions, this musical genius is hard to top!

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Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Stop 9  – Winterset, Iowa

Distance from previous location: 1,004 miles

Total distance traveled (on purpose): 10,606 miles

Minions, I need to vent.

I’m in Iowa.

Winterset, Iowa, to be exact, and I’m here because it’s the home of John Wayne.  We were about 2 days (or 13 John Wayne movies) into our trip to New York (to watch a Triple Crown winner next week) when suddenly I had this unrelenting urge to visit the birthplace of my new idol “The Duke.”  So, we decided to make a quick side trip Iowa.

I was even more excited when I found this shirt. The only thing better than John Wayne’s home state is a state full of only extremely attractive people.  As we got close, I began practicing my model face and moves, though, let’s be honest, I am the turtle version of Mr. Universe so there isn’t a whole lot on which I need to improve.

Then we got to Iowa. . .

LETDOWN.

I have never been so disappointed in my entire life. I mean, there are a ton of attractive Iowans, but I was under the impression that EVERYONE would look like glamorous movie stars.  Instead, I’ll have to keep searching for a place where I’d live with only the coolest, best lookin’ folks.  But for dashing my hopes, I hate you, Iowa. If hate were people, I’d be China.

Anyway, so hatred boredom had me stumbling like a crazy person and I’m here to cure your Friday afternoon Facebook stalking with my own assemblage of awesome animal things. You’re welcome.  I hope you gain laughter from the fruits of my pain and suffering.

You’re jealous your offspring aren’t this cool.

Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Stop 8 – Roswell, NM

Distance from previous location: 1,281 miles

Total distance traveled (on purpose): 9,602 miles

Minions, I have a confession to make. Skinny

I love aliens.

Not the eat-people-for-fun-taking-over-the-universe aliens but the super cool Martian/ET aliens.  You know the type: oblong heads, long thin bodies, big eyes. Opposites obviously attract, because I’m all about some aliens.

Naturally, I came to the home of the alien lovers, Roswell, New Mexico.  At first, I was going to wait for the big UFO Festival in July, but although, I love aliens I’m not sure that an entire festival of alien lovers is my cup of tea. Especially after I saw their pictures from last year’s costume contest…

It takes some major dedication to know that you are going to be dayglow green and blueberry blue for the better part of the year and still agree to it.  So congrats to you, alien dog.  I admire your spunk, but lord knows I don’t envy your girlfriend.

Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Stop 7 – Butte, MT

Distance from previous location: 931 miles

Total distance traveled (on purpose): 8,321 miles

 

MINIONS ASSEMBLE!

Dearest minions, I have big news.  Huge news.  It’s basically gigantic.

One of my favorite office minions is saving the world.  One of our very own from Hoppy-Hopkins is riding in a big race this weekend for charity – 140 miles in 2 days on a bicycle from Ocean City to Baltimore, and they’re so awesome that they don’t need a stupid yellow shirt to make it worthwhile (take that France!).

Apparently we have some concern for “budget” or something equally irrelevant, so the office is not flying me back east for the big weekend.   (Thanks, guys.)  So, instead, I’ve decided to travel to Butte, Montana, the home of the most LEGENDARY rider in the history of the world, Evel Knievel!

Thinking about it now, it was probably not the best plan ever. While I should be concerned about the safety of our dear rider, I’ve been laughing hysterically at the many fails of The Last Gladiator.  Seriously, how was bike riding his career if he could barely stick a landing?!  Naturally, I’m now envisioning what my minion would look like eating pavement and, well, it’s all I can do to keep myself composed.

In other news, Montana doesn’t seem to have much going on at the moment, at least outwardly. People mainly just talk about the “big sky,” which I take to mean that there’s not a lot to do on land.  Montana is full of, um, weirdly-named towns, only a couple famous exports (none as hip as Color-plant), and a crap ton of elk. ELK ARE SCARY. You think they are just oversized, happy, santa-towing reindeer but you’re wrong. And if you call one Rudolph for giggles you will almost get STOMPED TO DEATH. You’ve been warned.

Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Stop 6 – Roseville, CA

Distance from previous location: 1,234 miles

Total distance traveled (on purpose): 7,390 miles

Hello again loyal peons droogies! I’m writing from the healthiest city in California, Roseville! After my sanity-altering experiences in Colorado, I needed time to consider my lifestyle and work on my health.  So I packed up my car and headed to California, because if it’s good enough for Betty White it sure is good enough for me!

After a couple ridiculous days of diets, workouts and yoga (which is separate from workouts because it requires an entire different wardrobe), I am officially giving up the healthy way of living.  Luckily, I found this gem on a board at the senior center (I was trying to find Betty!) and it’s now pasted to my mirror:

YOLO, my minions, amirite?!  So enjoy running on your treadmill!  Keep running to nowhere! I’m going to head over to pinkberry for some fro-yo topped with fruit and chocolate, which I am going to eat while wearing my new yoga pants because sometimes real pants are just too much work.

Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Stop 5 – Colorado Springs, CO

Distance from previous location: 1,142 miles

Total distance traveled (on purpose): 6,156 miles

Hola minions!  This week I traveled to Colorado Springs, because after weeks of travel troubles I wanted a city that’s cool with animals and also has some creature comforts. Colorado Springs was voted the most pet-friendly city in ‘Merica, so I hightailed it over. Pet friendly I wanted, pet hell I got!

There was this insane reading material shoved on me at my hotel.

I spoke to a source (who wished to remain anonymous) and was able to receive a response from the Union of Confederated Feline Animals.

Now, I’m all for the worshipping of pets.  (WORSHIP ME.)  But if you try to make a mini Sheldon out of pieces of my shell we are going to have major issues. Since being in Colorado, I have been forced to upgrade my defenses. These people are cray-cray and I fear for what they could do to me.

I get it – People in Colorado might be looking for outlets for their energies outside the norm. I mean, they have to focus their attention on their pets and figure out something to do when they are snowed in with their actual non-4 legged children for like 9 and ½ months of the year.  But for the love of Bieber, find something more productive to do!

Then I had an epiphany! What if people in Colorado only focus on cats?  What did cats ever do to them?! I guess all I can say is

Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Stop 4 – Nashville, TN

Distance from previous location: 911 miles

Total distance traveled (on purpose): 5,014 miles

Happy Friday, my minions!  It’s been a rough few weeks, but I’m happy to say that I’ve resumed my cross-country voyage and am looking forward to seeing all that that this great land has to offer.

Today, after a rather arduous drive, I arrived in Greece.  And by “Greece,” I mean I arrived in Nashville. Really, they are basically the same place. . .people talk with an accent, have interesting hairstyles, sometimes wear ridiculous clothing, and do some weird things with their food.

Tennessee also has a replica of the Parthenon and some statue of someone named Apple. Obviously, Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be upset, cuz you know she thought she was so original.  (I wonder if she keeps a picture of a velociraptor on her fridge as thinspiration.  My thinspiration is a little more realistic, but, hey, whatever floats your boat.)

Anyway, Nashville is apparently Music City, which of course made me excited to come and visit.  One, it means that the city promotes real music and not the claptrap that seems to overwhelm the airwaves these days.  Two, its hotspots will almost certainly have super-sweet drink specials, and music and drinks go together like Sonny and Cher.  I mean, like Mariah and carbs.  Not that one either?  Well, you get my point.

However, this weekend is the also city’s half marathon. Now, I respect those of you who think running is fun (personally, I’m too lazy for stairs in the morning), and I would totally rock my post-victory celebration.  But a couple thousand runners have more than a couple thousand feet, all of which could CRUSH ME TO MY DEATH!  For those of you who haven’t had your afternoon pick-me-up, imagine 2,000 godzillas running down the street you have to cross. Welcome to my freaking life.

With that, I leave you all with this to think about:

Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

This has been yet another rough week, but I’m *thisclose* to returning to civilization and, more importantly, my cross-country sojourn!  I wish I could tell you where I’ve been the last couple of weeks, but it’s all a bit of a blur since I left Miami.  I do know that I ended up seeing not only some of the most beautiful things ever, but also some of the most terrifying.

So, in these last few minutes before I get back to my ORA-imposed responsibilities, I’m going take a moment to remind y’all that I want opposable thumbs.  Alternatively, I’d appreciate it if Siri could understand turtlesspeak.  That harpy refuses to acknowledge my commands so often, Steve Jobs would be rolling over in his grave.  However, Apple apparently designed Siri during a Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. . .I am so freaking jealous of this dog.  All I’ve ever wanted is to text, but no opposable thumbs = having to rely on voice commands and that ain’t working out.

But in the spirit of animal bipartisanship, I’ll leave you with the ramblings of the texting pooch.  Reading the musings from that ball of fluff makes me feel even more superior (like that was even possible).

Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Happy National Snark Week.

It’s like Shark Week, except only those sarcastic and a little bit mean get to participate. Being snarky is a talent, but it’s better than people who think they can sing. It’s a week where we celebrate idiots. While on the road, I’ve been struggling with my snark. All the warm fuzzies, butterflies and occasional hugs are making me die inside. I even bought the new Glee tracks. I almost said YOLO (you only live once), bought a knit cap and fake glasses.

Thankfully, Suri sat me down and had a heart to heart about how much being fuzzy is weakness and that if I wasn’t careful some other turtle would pop out a Blue Ivy equivalent and I’d be DUNZO. I refuse to stand for this type of injustice!! You can’t top me.

I’m redecorating. I need to be surrounded by snark all the time. You should be jealous of my new décor. If you’re not you should probably go hug a nice tree. I hear they enjoy that.

Kitchen essentials

Bedroom awesomeness… yes those are monograms and yes the do say BAD ASS.

Now framed in my living room.

This is a good start, snark is important. Please give someone a backhanded compliment from me today.