Sheldon’s Fun-day Friday

Stop 10 — Monroeville, PA

Distance from previous location: 826 miles

Total distance traveled (on purpose) 11,432 miles

Dearest minions, I was on my way from scenic Iowa to Long Island to see I’ll Have Another try to make history, but two-thirds of the way there something stopped me cold. As your fearless leader, I feel a duty to warn you all.

[Now try not to overreact; panicking makes you age quicker.]

THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!!!! And they’re going to eat your face.

Regardless of what the CDC claims, you are all going to get EATEN. Not me, of course, turtles aren’t affected by zombie apocalypses. Just another way we are superior to humans. . .maybe you should invest in some shells.

Anyway, what I love most about a good apocalypse are the people who want to take advantage of the fun to be had. For example, this guy decided to dress like a zombie and chase random people around Miami. A large part of me is really excited for this dude’s ability to realize that entertaining me is more important than living. A small part of me was worried the whole time that some prepared citizen would double-tap him.

Luckily for you, if you actually decide that the undead are your people, there’s an entire city in Pennsylvania that would LOVE to have you. Forget the pedestrian stuff like ammo. Monroeville, PA, has a Zombie Mall that hosts a Zombie crawl, Zombie carnival, and other activities relating to … you guessed it, zombies. Humans have weird fascinations with other humans (or themselves) becoming the undead, and that’s only increased given the latest happenings. To combat those nerves, the CDC, in their infinite wisdom, created a Zombie Novella to help you prepare.

Listen, I appreciate the government spending my your tax dollars to address the most pressing problems of the day, and this instance is no different. However, I decided to read said Novella on your behalf, and there are a few problems:

1. There was a Zombie apocalypse and everyone rushed to the hospital. . .no one tried to leave town! I would be getting the heck out of dodge, but apparently the CDC was SO convincing that they stayed put. FALSE! When the apocalypse does occur, run for your lives, minions!

2. The CDC magically created an anti-virus in less than a week and shipped it. Umm, this is the federal government we’re talking about. It would take about 3 weeks for just someone to process the paperwork!

3. There was not a single protest. No one protested for the ethical treatment of zombies! Or the right to choose whether or not to get the anti-zombie shot! Wishful thinking, CDC, wishful thinking.

4. There were no clinical trials for the Zombie cure. They may have stopped the Zombie virus but given everyone a strain that turns them into vampires or werewolves. I DON’T FEEL SAFE.

5. Not a single zombie was shot, killed or dismembered. Puhlease, this is mass chaos of a zombie apocalypse. I at LEAST want to see a stray arm that some unsuspecting zombie lost while arm wrestling!

Overall, you’re probably doomed, but I’m sure you’re fine with it. I’m a little concerned as to who is going to chop my fruit into little pieces if everyone’s a zombie, but I guess I can always train a dog or something to do it. Good luck, minions! You’ll need it.

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